I was going to do "Top Ten Reasons to Believe that Bonzi Wells is Receiving Contractual Advice from Latrell 'How Will I Feed My Family?' Sprewell," but something has topped that to instantly become my favorite comic relief story of the basketball offseason. So, without further ado, here are "The Top 10 Reasons You Know That Your NBA Comeback is Over Before it Began":
10) You've been out of the league for more than a year and nobody knew that you were gone.
9) Four out of five NBA TV subscribers cannot name the last team for which you played.
8) The best highlight of your entire career came in college...
7) and LeBron James was in elementary school when it happened.
6) You are the only member of the Dream Team about whom people say, "He was really on the team? Over Isiah Thomas and Shaquille O'Neal?"
5) Basketball Reference.com lists the probability of you making the Hall of Fame as ".000."*
4) The team's coach did not know that you were coming back and, when informed that you and your best friend are buying the team, replies, "I guess if you own the team, you can put yourself on the roster."
3) You admit that the thought of you coming back to play is "odd"...
2) to which a local columnist retorts in print, "Exactly. If by 'odd' you mean 'completely ridiculous.'" (see links below for the full story)
Drumroll please...and the number one reason that you know that your NBA comeback is over before it began is
1) When your comeback is announced, the entire group of assembled media burst into laughter because they assume that the speaker is joking.
For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, Brian Davis and Christian Laettner are apparently part of a group that is going to buy 70% ownership of the Memphis Grizzlies. When Davis announced that Laettner is planning to come back and play, the Memphis Commercial Appeal reported that the room broke out in laughter and Laettner had to try to convince the assembled members of the media that Davis had not been joking. Shortly afterward, the team issued a press release clarifying that Laettner would not in fact be playing for the team.
*--perhaps a bit pessimistic, since the Basketball Hall of Fame considers one's accomplishments at all levels of play, not just the NBA.
Top 10 Reasons You Know That Your NBA Comeback is Over Before it Began
